I spent the first twenty-one years of my life as a certified scaredy cat. I had a long list of fears that included virtually all animals and any costume with a mask, and my friends knew better than to show me a movie above PG-13. (For your information, yes, I was fun at parties.)
But even then, I was always intrigued by spooky stories. There was something compelling about a tale haunted by tragedy and a dash of the unexplainable. It just wasn’t until after I got medicated for anxiety that I became free to explore my love of spooky stories without having to spend several nights with the lights on.
Since then, I’ve dove deep into volumes of Victorian ghost stories, several storytelling channels on YouTube, and one live event around a campfire last October. (The vibes were incredible.)
Now that I’ve thoroughly immersed myself in the world of “the strange, dark, and mysterious” (shoutout MrBallen), I’ve become quite the connoisseur of all things spooky. Some subjects don’t interest me, while others set my soul on fire.
So without further ado, here are my expertly curated and totally objective rankings of spooky elements.
Tier 0: Yawn.
These are so not convincing that they don’t even qualify as spooky, in my opinion.
- Orbs of light in photos. Just admit your camera was having issues in weird lighting and move on.
- Overwhelming sense of dread. Or as we in the neurospicy community might call it, a regular Tuesday. Give me a break.
- Sleep paralysis. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that it’s terrifying. But it’s a sleep disorder. You don’t get to say a place is haunted because you had a bad dream there, even if it was one hell of a nightmare.
- Feeling watched or like you’re not alone. Look, I almost moved this up to Tier 1 since feeling watched is something we’re built to instinctively feel. But in the spirit of being neurospicy all the time and not just in haunted houses, I’m relegating this to Tier 0.
Tier 1: Meh.
Weak sauce. Dime a dozen. If spooky stories were a drinking game, each of these would be a sip. These elements barely turn my head and are easiest to explain away. However, they can build upon better themes into a truly spooky place or story.
- Hearing footsteps in an empty building. Buildings settle. Things topple over. Air pressure is a thing. This would catch my attention, but it wouldn’t confirm a haunting on its own merit.
- Hearing vague disembodied voices. TV. Radios of passing cars. Pedestrians outside. This isn’t very convincing on its own. But on top of other symptoms? It could be very spooky indeed.
- Residual bad energy. Listen, the idea that powerful human experiences somehow soak into the woodwork in certain places isn’t the worst theory. But if we’re going to say that everywhere something really bad happened is haunted, there are a lot of living rooms and bedrooms even in recent builds that aren’t getting the representation they deserve.
Tier 2: Color Me Intrigued!
This is where stuff gets good. The stories that make me put blanket on my head like a hood and hold me spellbound in my sleeping bag. Chances are good that if I hear so much as ice clinking in my glass while I’m listening, I’ll jump out of my skin. But it’s all in good fun.
This is where the good story fodder comes from, even if it’s a tale as old as time.
- People who still do their job after death. Lighthouses where if you call out, technical difficulties get resolved. Nurses that still tuck patients in or check their pulse or temperature. Bellhops who pack people’s things or carry them up, and when you compliment them to a manager, you learn they’re long gone. Better still, there’s an old photo of them up on the wall. Yes, this one would be easy enough to fake, but it still gets my wheels turning.
- People who still hold full conversations and then disappear. Similar to the above, this would scare the bejeebies out of me, but I would be captivated.
- Whistling or singing. Hearing such a cheerful sound somewhere it shouldn’t be is a level of cognitive dissonance that fascinates me. Perhaps it’s the musician in me, but this makes me wonder if whoever I’m hearing isn’t all bad. It sure makes me curious about them. But put that sound over a body of water in the dark? Straight into Tier 3 territory.
- Bells that can still be heard long after they’ve been removed. Listen, I love bell towers, okay? And if she’s been decommissioned and still wants to sing, who am I to stop her?
- Drips or stains that reappear. Evidence that continues to testify to what happened here beyond what can be explained? Great story element! But this one is straddling Tier 3 for creepiness. Especially if it’s the entire wall dripping blood.
Tier 3: Nope, I’m Out!
This is when stuff stops being fun and you need to call a priest. In fact, you might want to call them a little further up the list. Not by coincidence, these are the ones I hear most associated with demonic activity, and they will keep me from setting foot in a place. I might not even listen to one of these stories unless I feel up to it.
- Growling. Enough said.
- Getting pushed or scratched. When actual harm starts, the fun stops.
- The sound of footsteps running toward you. Nope. Nope. Absolutely not. Just the thought of this awakens something primal in me.
- Peering heads (or peekers, as I call them). This is when you spot a face or dark figure peering around a corner or out of a doorway at you, and then it ducks back out of sight and you can’t find anyone when you search for it. I find it deeply upsetting and would run screaming and likely never return.
- Voices of loved ones, or any voice calling your name, especially if the tone seems off. Anything that has knowledge it shouldn’t is a big red flag. Do not go toward it. Do not pass go. Do not collect $100.
- A full-bodied figure that doesn’t move. Nope. Time to go. (Though if you’re brave, you might want to check if it’s a mannequin or a well-placed coat rack.)
- A full-bodied figure that does move. That’s a life-ruiner right there. Even if I never went to a haunted place again, I wouldn’t be quite right.
- Things that “attach” themselves or follow you home. That is a bedbug-level of not funny, but make it supernatural. Just imagine how stupid you’d feel calling a priest and admitting you’ve got a hitchhiker.
- Haunted objects. I don’t have an inherent fear of dolls, possibly because I was always nice to my dollies as a child, but if the sign says don’t tap on the glass, I’m not going to. Do I really believe Robert is moving things around and talking to the kid? I’m not sure, but he’s not welcome in my house, that’s for sure.
Now, just for kicks and giggles, here are some honorable mentions. They technically rank below Tier 0, but I didn’t want to open with that energy.
Tier -1: I Absolutely Can’t Be Bothered.
These are the ones that make me roll my eyes. If they come up, I’ll stop watching or reading. Turn on the lights, cut the podcast, the vibe is dead. (Yes, I’m aware that this is arbitrary to the point of being hypocritical.) What really happens when people experience these things? I don’t know, and I don’t really care.
- UFOs. Haven’t we had enough government conspiracies to last us several lifetimes? Governments have secrets, always, and so much technology exists that could cause lights in the sky that I absolutely don’t care. Even if they were a real threat, there wouldn’t be anything I could do about it anyway. Best get some rest and wait for the bombs to fall.
- Time slips. Whatever, man. Time goes one way, and we’re creating the future every minute by the decisions we make. I don’t believe you can jump from one section to another because we only exist in one place in time. If you think you’re in a time slip, sometimes you go to a new place and the vibes are weird. Just go home.
- Lucid dreaming. They say the dream people get really upset if you ask for the date or time. Do it. I want to hear what happens.
- Hauntings by people who were terrible in life. Booga booga to you, too. Don’t you have an appointment in hell? Go back where you belong. I’m too angry to be really scared.
There you have it! If you, too, enjoy stories that send a chill up your spine, you’re probably either nodding your head or ready to fight me, which you can feel free to do in the comments.
As a necessary caveat, here are the basic rules I live by when it comes to spooky places in real life:
- The spirit world is real, but Jesus is Lord. Don’t approach it flippantly, but don’t be ruled by fear.
- Don’t contact spirits. It’s a biblical command. If you mess around with Ouija boards or anything similar, you’re a fool.
- Don’t trespass. If it’s someone’s property, it’s not your business unless you are invited by the owner.
That being said, stories are fair game! Do you have any of your own, or a particular element you’ll read and write stories about till the day you die? Personally, I’ve always been a fan of the tragic bride element, as cliché as it has become. Let me know your thoughts.
Read books and stay spooky!
